Fuck yeah Rollins.

Happy Apples! Fuck yes! 

Adventures with Emily and Liz: Breaking Gender Barriers

It's Hallo-Fucking-Ween, and after Halloweekend, our life is in shambles.  Like really though. Sig Pi is singlehandedly ruining our GPA.  In order to get our shit together today we decided to make a much needed trip to the Rec to make up for our past transgressions. We didn't plan on doing anything too serious, no beasting to be done here. Just a mile or so around the track and then our usual rowing workout. It is Whiny Monday after all.

So we walk, we talk and we gaze jealously at the Asians on the floor below us playing badminton. By the way, badminton(or what we like to call BADASSminton) is the most fucking awesome sport of all time, and someday we really wish to engage. If those Asians can have such a great time doing so, we're sure as hell that we can to.  All we need is the fucking equipment. We weren't smart, we didn't bring all that was needed to play this kickass game to college with us, and now its the biggest regret of our lives. Other than not thinking through that hangovers=not studying for Poli Sci.

ANYWAY, as we pondered the Asians below us, we also saw a band of them playing basketball and soon came to realize that we could do the same. We could rent out a basketball and be total fucking badass ballers. It wouldn't be embarrassing at all! So, we march our asses downstairs get a basketball and make our way to the courts, only to realize that there might not be one open for us. Fuck that shit though. We found one with these two dudes, who will from here on out be referred to as BraceFace and Farmhouse.  BraceFace and Farmhouse  were diligently waiting for a regular men's sized basketball and a court when we showed up, and they proceeded to shoot around with us until 6:15.  Yeah we made asses of ourselves, and yeah we admitted yet again that we were highly un-athletic in high school, bust most importantly, we broke some fucking gender barriers.  its safe to say that there were no other girls who dared step foot on that court, and we were dumb enough to do so. We made some new friends AND Johnston Hall would be fucking proud of the fact that we reped for all the girls who are pansies and who refuse to intermingle with the wannabe ballers at the gym.

BraceFace and Farmhouse led us two conclusions: We need to fucking take use of our Student Activities Fees  and we need to become TOTAL FUCKING BADASS BALLERS. We are going to get to the Rec, learn how to play basketball and continue probably making asses of ourselves.

It's been real Farmhouse and BraceFace. Thanks for being okay dudes and not total fucking frat douche faces (see earlier posts). Hope to see you around the court.

Love, Bifecta. Huzzaah!

Just another Sunday night in 162

We like to call this "roommate bonding". That other picture is just like, me and some milk.

This is the picture pretty much representing the greatest night of our lives. Expect a detailed account later on. 

Drinking milk is a lot like having sex on a boat. Cause it's fucking close to water. 

There are so many days out of the year that you can do this.

"I sprint marathons. I'm in a frat."- Liz

"I don't usually dress like a ho, but when I do, I go with a fro." -Emily

Story of Our Lives.

Us Against The World, or just the Rec. Whatever way you look at it.

There is a time and place for songs like "Us Against The World" and "This Is What Dreams Are Made Of" That time and place isn't the on set of the greatest television show of our time, Lizzie McGuire, or your 4th grade birthday party. If you wanna jam out to a little S Club 7 or Hilary Duff,  its best done when you're about to beast it up at the gym.

We are true mid-2000s girls at heart, which means that its not uncommon to hear songs sung but the one of the most underestimated girl bands of the past 15 years, Play, coming out of room 162  around 8 o'clock at night. We sing. We dance. We reminisce on our childhood and then we make our way to the Rec in order to make asses of ourselves on the cardio equipment.

Stop judging us.  "Why Not" is a quality, family friendly song and is more than adequate to play during our  daily pre-elliptical ritual. No fucks given about how juvenile or psychologically wrong that might be. We'll live in the past if we wanna live in the past, especially if its all in the name of good physical health. As I like to say, there are worse things we could be doing. Like meth for example.

No thanks.

If you're going to try to woo me by means of sidewalk chalk, draw a picture or write a poem. This just screams desperate.

Play that accordian, gorilla man. I think panda man has a new best friend.

Shit We Don't Give Fucks About

So much. But here is a list to put a scattered mind at ease.
1. Wearing real bras
2. yelling out our windows
3. going to the gym for 30 minutes
4. badminton
5. not taking out the trash on a regular basis
6. showering/hygiene
7. social points
8. regular daily practices/ a routine
9. having to wait
10. wearing real pants to class
11. being creeped on from Germany
12. say fuck as every other word
13. being judged. story of our lives.
14. being part of the fat sorority
15. crosswalks
16. singing lizzie mcguire as 18 year olds
17. singing rap as white girls
18. the amount of cereal we consume

we could be here forever, but we must now attempt to be real people and join society. or maybe just take a nap.

EP, EM and JGL.

Adventures with Emily and Liz: BEST FUCKING DAY OF OUR LIVES!

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To all those budgers at Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

"MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY."
-Liz

'Had to be a lesbian, couldn't be a bacon lover. "

There are few things that we hold scared in this life, and the most holy of all is bacon. God's gift to mankind.  So naturally, when we saw this girl, we thought she was one of us. A full fledged bacon lover.

This girl is not a bacon lover. Nor does she like sausage. According to Urban Dictionary, this girls is a full on lesbian. The emoticon ({}), which naturally we thought was bacon, is actually the emoticon for vagina. Or hug, depending on which way you look at it.  Anyway, the button on this chick's backpack reads "I [heart] Vagina" and we could not be more shocked. 

If you're going to love bacon and you're going to put your love for it on  your backpack, we are more than all for that. In fact, we would encourage it. The more bacon lovers, the better.  But if you are going to confuse bacon lovers the world over with a sign that looks eerily like a vagina from a particular angle, we'd rather you didn't. In fact, we'd rather you leave any relation between our favorite food and your favorite... body part alone. 

Whiny Mondays

As of yesterday, we have a new statute in this room... Whiny Mondays. Why? Because Mondays just suck. A lot. Every Monday we now have complete justification in whining our asses off and complaining endlessly about our sucky-ass lives and our never ending white girl problems. Basically, one-seventh of our lives is the terrible mess we call Monday and in order to make up for this fact, we have resorted to complaining and tantrum throwing.
List of shit to whine about:
1. not getting shit done
2. being fat
3. not wanting to go to the gym
4. having too much homework
5. wanting to go to the gym but having too much homework
6. having endless white girl problems
7. being tired
8. not being tired and being unable to fall asleep
9. being hungry ALL THE TIME
10. being sore from time spent at gym
11. being sad that we feel the need for social points
12. not wanting to move. ever. (we call this lazy as fuck syndrome)
13. being in pain all the time. thats what we get for attempting to stay in shape.
14. having no social lives
15. showering or the lack thereof
16. anything that is slightly inconvenient - having to jump out of bed for the remote, having to walk all the way to the bathroom, not being able to change the channel from your position in the room (we have severe cases of lazy as fuck syndrome obviously)


Mondays suck. But being able to complain about them makes them a bit less awful. Yay for ranting!

The Anthem for White Girl Problems

Having Real Days.

We must have real days. End of story. Despite the fact that some days you wake up and think - fuck this, I'm not going to try, screw societal norms and expectations, I'm going to look like Ke$ha in a gorilla suit - YOU MUST HAVE A REAL DAY. Always. Because if you don't... you may end up looking like this -->

Can you say sexy can I? Nope. You can't. Thus the need for rules in order for everyday to be a real day.

RULES FOR REAL DAYS:
For Liz: Every day must include a real bra and curling eyelashes.
For Emily: Every day must include a shower.

I'm Forming a Band, Mom!

Now don't get me wrong, we are independent women. Throw you're hands up at me. But we need a band. What is a band you ask? Right now we are a two woman wolf pack needing to add some serious Y chromosomes to the mix. In making this observation we decided to form a band; a group of kick-ass people to run with. Not really run. We hate to run. But run this town. Like Rihanna and Jay-Z. Anyway, in deciding this, we looked at all of the great sitcoms with solid bands.

List of the Greatest Sitcoms of All Time:
1. Friends - 3 girls, 3 boys
2. Scrubs - 2 girls, 3 boys
3. Lizzie McGuire - 2 girls, 1 boy
4. Boy Meets World - 2 boys, 2 girls
5. Gossip Girl - 2 girls, 3 guys
6. Will and Grace - 2 girls, 2 guys
7. Sienfeld - 1 girl, 3 guys
8. How I Met Your Mother - 2 girls, 3 boys

We examined the data and observed that in many cases the girl to guy ratio is uneven - meaning that we need more boys than girls in our band. And since the two girl spots have been taken by yours truly that means that we have openings. Applications now available.

Wanna join our band? Make sure you meet the following criteria.
-Must like bacon (But I mean really, who doesn't?)
-Must like cereal, preferably in cups. Bowls are for losers.
-If you come in a 3-pack, thats great. We're down with that.
-If you come with benefits, we are SO down with that.
-Knowledge of weightlifting/badminton would be great
-On campus Batmobile (and by that we mean car). Available for use at our requests.
-No weirdos. You know who you are.
-Willingness to dance to our Pandora stations i.e. the Pussycat Dolls and JoJo.
-Must have shit together. Dumhasses need not apply.
-Boy Scout/Eagle Scout Status would be great.
-Find probable solution to the great Milk crisis of 2011.
- One Y chromosome, please and thank you!

So basically,  if you're living in the CONTINENTAL United States (you hear that randos in Argentina?), are housed preferably the Columbia, Missouri area, we would love your company. Comment if you're interested!

The Morning After: The Tragedy of Two Non-Wasted Non-Sluts

You know what just sucks? Going out on Homecoming night and not having a good time (read previous three blogs). But what sucks just a bit more (and who the hell knew that was possible, right?!) is waking up the next morning and still feeling absolutely disgusting despite the fact that you didn't have more than a fucking 1/3 of a can of beer the previous night.

Problem #1: You were exhausted the night before from walking all the fucking way around Greek town in four inch heels and thus didn't shower. Result: Waking up smelling and feeling like absolute shit.
Problem #2: This same exhaustion problem led you to forget to clean your face/wash off your make-up. Result: Waking up looking like a tranny who doesn't even try that hard. We're talking fucked up black eyeshadow that makes you look like a raccoon, oily skin that makes you shine brighter than the fucking sun (we're talking SPF 100 here people), crusty eyes from eye make-up shit, an lets not forget the fact that being outside all day yesterday left you with a gorgeous fucking sunglasses tan line. Can you say sexy? I don't think so.. because looking at this fucked-up mess would leave you speechless.
Problem #3: Walking all the way around effing Greek town in heels super fucked up your feet and back. Result: You are sore as fuck and can't move. Going out fucking paralyzed me. Seriously?!
Problem #4: You have the worst fucking headache in the world... and it's not even a hangover. Fuck me.

From now on there better be fucking alcohol. Because if I'm going to get cute and fuck myself up like this... I better be fucking out of my mind drunk.

Fuck Count: 15

Defying Gravity

This is Liz's beautiful dome of hair/volcano of hairspray that was wasted tonight. May it rest in peace and possibly come back from the dead some day. We will all miss it dearly, despite the fact that it didn't help us get wasted or even tipsy. But we can't blame that all on the hair. It was mainly STUPID FUCKING FRAT BOYS.

Expectations Vs. Reality -- Homecoming Night

EXPECTATIONS
1. Best Night Ever
2. Alcohol
3. Not high schoolers
4. Dance Rave
5. Having a fucking awesome time in general

REALITY
1. Walking around the entire circumference of greek town and ending up at Phi Kap twice.
2. Backpacks full of beer
3. AEPi not having at party
4. Worst Night Ever
5. 1/3 of a can of beer
6. High schoolers everywhere
7. Calluses and shoes that smell like beer
8. Crowded hallways full of stupid people
9. FUCKING FRAT BOYS

Fuck You, You Fucking Frat Douche Faces... Love, Team-TryingToBeSlutsForTheNight

It's HOMECOMING. The fucking 100th anniversary of homecoming, motherfuckers. And you can't manage to throw a halfway decent party without high schoolers?! Bull shit. Pure bull shit. If you want to want to get laid, don't throw a fucking room party. Room parties suck balls. Get with the program!! Throw a good party. Have food. Have spiked punch. Just dont be a douche. Actually, just dont be a douche in general no matter how good looking you are. And running out of alcohol... on HOMECOMING?!.. is fucking sacrilegious. You Jesus-hating, American-tradition-hating/ruining shit-faced highschool-girl-raping frat boys. You dont even know how much make-up we wasted and how much heel-wearing we suffered. We also had the immense pleasure of watching a poor girl being wasted out of her mind probably about to get raped. We hate you. Suck it. Hope you get crabs from the girl in the hallway. See you in two weeks. And you owe us a backpack full of beer.

BACON.

Recently Tweeted: "Told the steak & shake waiter that I don't enjoy bacon much, so he asked me if I enjoyed life"


WHO IS THIS MAN. THIS IS SACRILEGE.

Today is a day to GET SHIT DONE.

After leaving our 8am General Psych class,  we came to two joint decisions: We need to get breakfast, then we need to get shit done. 

Unlike previous weeks, this has been a week of productivity. We have gone to the gym, grocery shopping, to the library and decided that eating past 9:30pm is against all of the rules of life (unless one of us converts to Judasim and needs to celebrate Yom Kippur. Oy!) We've stayed up late every night finishing assignments for our respective classes and we have refrained from the unholy entity that is Rollins Late Night. Who has time to watch reruns of the Kardashians when there are exams to study for? Aside from our abnormal amount of swearing and gossiping about our freaks of floor mates, we've been good girls. And we've been fucking productive. 

I'm so proud of us. 

Adventures with Emily and Liz: The Gym

Instead of going to sleep at 7:45 per the usual in this dorm, we decided to venture out into the world and go to... the GYM. It was a big step for us. We got off our lazy asses and PUMPED IRON. Not really... but anyway. So we get to the gym and elliptical for half an hour and then decide to switch it up and go upstairs to rowing machines (yeah, they make those! who knew?!). We get upstairs, sweating balls after getting kicked in the ass by the ellipticals, and sit down on the rowing machines for like two minutes when a guy comes up to us. He says, "Hey, did you guys row in high school?"
*** WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED***
"Hell ya! We were co-captains. National champs. But I mean... you could probably tell that just by looking at our RIPPED AS FUCK GUNS!"
***WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED***
"No" -- which basically means "we're lame and you will never speak to us again, cute rowing man"

.... he then walked away. note to self: go with the ripped as fuck version in the future.

"Really?! That is SUCH a white girl problem!"

We are white. We are girls. And we have problems. Sometimes this combination becomes too much to handle and when life becomes stressful, we rant about it. White girl problems plague us daily and there is no known cure for this disease. We wish we could help our white-ness and our girl-ness, but until either of those things changes, here is a list of the trials of being us:

1. No Fucking Vitamin Water.
2. My alcohol tolerance is higher than I thought it would be.
3. I have to pee.
4. Do I HAVE to go class today?
5. So you're going to drunk text me? NICE.
6. Never taking an 8am class again
7. What do you mean there's NO MILKSHAKES?!!
8. Why am I so hungry?
9. I totally rowed in high school! Check out these guns!
10. It's so dry in here! My hair is so static-y!!
11. Having to walk all the way down to the printer. Seriously?
12. But I don't want to take a shower!
13. MY WHOLE LIFE.

This is a designer pizza box.

We will be forever grateful to the kind stranger named Armani who was kind enough to give us his garlic bread at Rollins Late Night last Thursday.  We couldn't eat in all in one sitting. Armani will forever be remembered. He is the inspiration for this blog. #whitegirlproblem

Peaches.

Things we are OBSESSED with.

1. Bacon
2.  Rollins Late Night
3. Boys named Armani
4. VH1's Top 100 Hits of the 2000's. FUCK YES.
5. French braids.
6. Roommate showers. (Totally unintentional and not lesbian at all.)
7. Floor mate gossip/making maps of our floor/ being amazed at how black eye girl and back brace girl are roommates.
8. Our lamp. Not going away anytime soon.
9. Staying up way past our bed time, but still not doing any homework.
10. Watching far to much Spongebob on Friday afternoons.
11. Jersday and Glee.
12. Angry workouts.
13. Roommate rant sessions. About most everyone.
14. Milk. Fuck you Mizzou Market.
15. Going to bed at 7: 45.
16. Cereal in cups.
17. Shaving our armpits.
18. JoJo
19. Figuring out who Blair's baby daddy is.

Hi there. Hope you're not a ho.

So a couple weeks back some idiot stole our white board.  Now we have a blog. Yeah. Shit just got real.

We decided here in room 162 that we are just cool enough to share our ideas with the world.  As of now, our most awesome is the idea of throwing things out of our first floor window on to the loud people passing by.  This is what we've come up with:

1. Candy (no matter the density)
2. Popcorn
3. Cheez-It crumbs
4. Scalding hot coffee
5. Any trash we're too lazy to take down to the dumpster
6. All of my leftover bananas
7. Carrots (of the baby variety)
8. The stairwell sock.
9. NOT BACON(too precious)
10. Any unwanted leftovers from Rollins
11. Tissues
12. Sooo much candy (but only on Halloween)

Also, people are loud in these parts.  We live in a breezeway that echoes at all hours of the day. Here are the things that we want to yell at the loud people walking by.

1. Fuck off. (We're trying to sleep/study/celebrate Jersday)
2. Same to you.
3. Okay.
4. GTFO
5. This is God.
6. Hellloooo
7.  I NOTICED YOU'RE BEING LOUD
8. Stop peeing. Please.
9. Is that really necessary sir?
10. Really, the trash. ITS 6 o'clock in the FUCKING MORNING.
11. F off U.S. Foodways.
12. Hey! I know that guy!
13. Still counts!
14. Hey everyone. Come see how good I look!
15.  Really? You're wearing that to class. Come on.
16. Why don't you go back to your home on whore island!
17. You can do better.
18. Hookah and Weed!? Its 1 in the morning. I can smell that shit.
19. Tits McGee!
20. Don't make me come down there!

So yeah. Expect great things from Team Non-Sluts. Our lives are just one big white girl problem, and we'd really like to share them with the world.  Also, if candy is ever thrown at you or you get laughed at because you are wearing a back brace, its probably us.

We'd also appreciate it if you texted us back once in a while.

Songs that are stuck in our heads

"I Just Had Sex" - The Lonely Island
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o&ob=av3e

"Baby Got Back" - Sir Mix Alot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nprhxc2Lxc

"Impiral March"- Star Wars --NOTE: not socially acceptable to hum to oneself walking around campus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzWSJG93P8

"Pretty Girl Rock" - Keri Hilson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtXOVKNazYU&ob=av3e

"I Try"-Macy Grey (stop judging)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYIW6MTigGQ

"What is Love" - Haddaway
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_U6mWu1XQA

"Goodbye Earl" - Dixie Chicks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw7gNf_9njs

"99 Problems"- Jay Z
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwoM5fLITfk

"Lucky" Britney Spears
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vvBAONkYwI&ob=av2e

"Milkshake"-Kelis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGL2rytTraA&ob=av3e

"Lip Gloss" Lil' Mama
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5ck6TJQ5Ow&ob=av2e