Let's face it. Team NonSluts is a dancing sensation just waiting to sweep the country. We break it down everywhere we go, including but not limited to sorority formal functions, classes at the gym, even in our own dorm room to the greatest musical of modern times: High School Musical. Because of this, it's only a matter of time until some retired Toddlers and Tiaras stage mom scouts us out when we are breaking it down in the line at Starbucks after our 8am Econ class. This is how we imagine our invitation to fame will go down:
TeamNonSluts (step touching, obviously) : " I'm starting with the man in the mirror!"
Toddlers and Tiaras Mom: Weee doggies! Ya'll are the dandiest things I have ever seen other than that cutie pie Eden Wood. You know, from the TV. I mean just look at the accuracy of ya'lls step touches!
TeamNonSluts (breaking out in to jazz squares): We work out.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Ya'll could make millions with those crazy dancing moves. I'm calling my agent right now to set ya'll up with a talent agency.
TeamNonSluts: Bitchin. You wanna see our routine to "What I've Been Looking For?" We can tap dance. No big.
Toddlers and Tiaras: (babbling on cell phone) TAMMY LEE! I have done found you the next big thang!
TeamNonSluts (to the people now glaring at us in line): Don't hate us cause we're beautiful.
Like that will ever happen. The likely course of our fame will start not at Starbucks, but probably right before it when were are singing and dancing in our Econ lecture class to the Hall and Oates classic"You Make My Dreams."Someone will be all:"These chicks light up my life, they should have a class at the rec!" And then we're all:"Challenge accepted."
Obviously since the aforementioned person works at the rec center, they will be able to set us up with our own cardio dance class: Booty Bouncin' with Liz and Emily. The class, centered around jazz squares and the music of Grease, High School Musical and Enchanted, will be the dream of any show choir alumni. Once the class is established as a campus must-have, some lowly fraternity pledge will be hired to help us accomplish our real goal: Being Ellen DeGeneres.
Get your head out of the gutter, TeamNonSluts do not identify themselves as lesbians (we love bacon, remember!), but more the type who need someone to start their day by blasting some Top 20 hits in to our morning. Said pledge will no longer be referred to as pledge, but Boom Box Man, and his sole purpose will be to follow us around with a boom box on his shoulder blasting our favorite songs. Also, boom box man will be responsible for finding us a lifelong DJ to help us start up Cedric Diggory's Left Nipple, central Missouri's greatest female DJ-ing duo. Between our rec center class and CDLN, Team NonSluts will reach local dance superstar status, and it won't be long before the rest of the country catches on. Let's face it: We're beautiful, hilarious and stuffed to the brim with talent and after being shot in to fame, we'll be on the cover of People Magazine and hobnobbing with Ryan Gosling in no time.
So, that is our plan for bopping to the top. We're breaking free from societal norms because we finally found what we've been looking for/ have needed our entire fucking lives: Constant background music and the constant attention of adoring fans. TeamNonSluts is now in the market for a boom box man. See previous requirements for band members, but keep in mind that we look highly upon bitching 'fros. This will make our dreams come true. Ooooh-oohhhh.
Showing posts with label no fucks given. Show all posts
Showing posts with label no fucks given. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Boats N' Hoes. Why Are We Such Old Women? First Blog of the New Year.
Welcome to the official end of the world. We here at Team NonSluts are preparing for this exciting event by transforming our comfy cozy dorm into a cave of little to no social means. No social points. No fucks given. We're talking headphones in, both of us tucked away in our beds watching consecutive episodes of Greek and Gilmore Girls, and the only light source in the room coming from the ominous glow of our laptop screens. First world problems. And let's be real here for a second. We're hot and we're sitting in our door room wasting our lives. What have our lives come to? Now don't get me wrong. We are beyond stoked to be back in the middle of a cornfield known as central MO but what we did not count on was the fact that there is no one here and nothing to do on a Saturday night. LAME. I so do not approve of these life choices.
Anywho, this is the inaugural post for 2012. Look forward to a whole lotta crazy coming from this never ending wave of awesome. NONSLUTS OUT.
There's a child in our hallway. It's like on Smart Guy. GO HOME ROGER. Liz stalks Kris Humphries' family and washed up child stars. She's mumbling to herself.
@ghettohikes "Hey yo Demetrius, free pine cones."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET, FUCKER!
Anywho, this is the inaugural post for 2012. Look forward to a whole lotta crazy coming from this never ending wave of awesome. NONSLUTS OUT.
There's a child in our hallway. It's like on Smart Guy. GO HOME ROGER. Liz stalks Kris Humphries' family and washed up child stars. She's mumbling to herself.
@ghettohikes "Hey yo Demetrius, free pine cones."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET, FUCKER!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Packing Drinking Game
So here's the deal. We hate to pack. And recently our lives have been consumed by packing and going and coming and forgetting things and making lists and overall a severe discontent with the fact that we are required by our schools and our families to move our shit around so much. We are girls and thus require a lot of stuff in our lives/on our persons so going home for the weekend much less for a whole month requires a caravan and a half in order to sufficiently take everything with us. And we hate getting that amount of shit together so we have come with an idea to help us get through the process.
Packing Drinking Game. You make a list of all the things you need to pack and take a shot after you have packed ten to fifteen items on your list (depending on how hammered you intend on becoming). It's brilliant and gives us incentive to want to pack.
"So i was thinking in the bathroom. Cuz that's what I do. All day. Everyday.".... You are witnessing evolution ladies and gents.
Packing Drinking Game. You make a list of all the things you need to pack and take a shot after you have packed ten to fifteen items on your list (depending on how hammered you intend on becoming). It's brilliant and gives us incentive to want to pack.
"So i was thinking in the bathroom. Cuz that's what I do. All day. Everyday.".... You are witnessing evolution ladies and gents.
Randos of the Day
1. We found out that our names are sexy (Emily is #4 and Elizabeth is #10 on top ten sexiest names ever). Unsurprising.
2. Running and sliding in socks on the floor of the student center is just as fun as it sounds.
3. Asians carry chap stick not chopsticks in their purses.... well actually....
4. Liz has a beef with moles
5. We need to learn how to make paper cranes
2. Running and sliding in socks on the floor of the student center is just as fun as it sounds.
3. Asians carry chap stick not chopsticks in their purses.... well actually....
4. Liz has a beef with moles
5. We need to learn how to make paper cranes
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Ladies, Ladies! We all want to see some dick! - An Ode to Farmhouse
**This post can be sung to the melody of T-Swift's "You Belong to Me"** ...... yeah that's right this is a Taylor Swift themed dick post. Enjoy.
We were in our room. It was a typical Tuesday night.
We we're watching VH1 and taking bout how we're so white.
And we'll never know how Patti is so rad
But sluts wear short skirts, you're only wearing Santa hats
You're running down Richmond, and we're on the sidewalks
Dreaming bout the day when the first snow falls
And you run down the street and we see your balls
You should see that now your balls are turning really blue
There's a crowd even though there's only twelve of you
Why can't you see, you're being hazed by your fraternity?
Running down the streets and you're not wearing jeans
You leave your house and all of Jones starts to scream
Laughing on the sidewalk, thinking to myself,
That sucks cuz it's freezing.
And you've got a dick that would probably be alright,
If it wasn't freezing at eleven o'clock at night.
You think you're fine, but we know you better than that.
Hey whatcha doing with your thing out like that?
Cuz you're so naked but we don't really care,
You're being a tool and we'll laugh and stare.
Dreaming bout the day when the first snow falls
And you run down the street and we see your balls.
You should see that now your balls are turning really blue
There's a crowd even though there's only twelve of you
Why can't you see, you have a shriveled pee-pee?
We were in our room. It was a typical Tuesday night.
We we're watching VH1 and taking bout how we're so white.
And we'll never know how Patti is so rad
But sluts wear short skirts, you're only wearing Santa hats
You're running down Richmond, and we're on the sidewalks
Dreaming bout the day when the first snow falls
And you run down the street and we see your balls
You should see that now your balls are turning really blue
There's a crowd even though there's only twelve of you
Why can't you see, you're being hazed by your fraternity?
Running down the streets and you're not wearing jeans
You leave your house and all of Jones starts to scream
Laughing on the sidewalk, thinking to myself,
That sucks cuz it's freezing.
And you've got a dick that would probably be alright,
If it wasn't freezing at eleven o'clock at night.
You think you're fine, but we know you better than that.
Hey whatcha doing with your thing out like that?
Cuz you're so naked but we don't really care,
You're being a tool and we'll laugh and stare.
Dreaming bout the day when the first snow falls
And you run down the street and we see your balls.
You should see that now your balls are turning really blue
There's a crowd even though there's only twelve of you
Why can't you see, you have a shriveled pee-pee?
Monday, December 5, 2011
SnacksOnSnacks
This day is bitchin, despite being a Whiny Monday. And this may possibly be Liz's last day on Earth because of the amount of grease and awesome she is putting into her body. She would like us to note that the man who made her grilled cheese sandwiches (yes that is plural) complemented her on her scarf. Yay for looking fly. Let us examine her lunch:
Meal of champions. Next we have a quote from one political science teacher, Jay-Z. "We have pushed every fucking button on that thing in the order they told us to do it and it's still not working." Make of it what you will.
Liz has holes in her crotch. What else is new, right? I mean, if you have two X chromosomes like my dear friend Liz, you better fucking have a hole in your crotch or else you are lying to society. We found this to be a particularly interesting discovery today however because she discovered two more holes in her crotch in the form of legging disrepair. White girl problem. And I feel like that happens way too often. Favorite pair of sweats, hole in the crotch. Favorite leggings, same deal. Why must you curse us, Legging Gods?!?! We're just trying to not wear pants! *insert cavewoman grunt* Mmmehhhh.
Here's a thought. Swipes for Xmas. Being broke as fuck college kids, we are having a pretty difficult time figuring out how to get presents for our loved ones this holiday season. New solution: use swipes instead. I'm pretty sure my sister will be getting a sheet of Rice Krispy Treats under the tree this year. Crisis averted. Dignity only semi-damaged.
And now to the most awesome thought of the day: Getting our shit together. We talk about this a lot, but today we sat down to three o'clock lunch and really buckled down. We decided that our résumés need to be amped up. To the extreme. Actually, I need to go. I gots shit to do.
Watch out. We have carrots. And we plan on throwing them at you.
Liz has holes in her crotch. What else is new, right? I mean, if you have two X chromosomes like my dear friend Liz, you better fucking have a hole in your crotch or else you are lying to society. We found this to be a particularly interesting discovery today however because she discovered two more holes in her crotch in the form of legging disrepair. White girl problem. And I feel like that happens way too often. Favorite pair of sweats, hole in the crotch. Favorite leggings, same deal. Why must you curse us, Legging Gods?!?! We're just trying to not wear pants! *insert cavewoman grunt* Mmmehhhh.
Here's a thought. Swipes for Xmas. Being broke as fuck college kids, we are having a pretty difficult time figuring out how to get presents for our loved ones this holiday season. New solution: use swipes instead. I'm pretty sure my sister will be getting a sheet of Rice Krispy Treats under the tree this year. Crisis averted. Dignity only semi-damaged.
And now to the most awesome thought of the day: Getting our shit together. We talk about this a lot, but today we sat down to three o'clock lunch and really buckled down. We decided that our résumés need to be amped up. To the extreme. Actually, I need to go. I gots shit to do.
Watch out. We have carrots. And we plan on throwing them at you.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
We Speak Well English.
So here in 162, a new phenomenon has erupted which we like to call NonSlutSpeak. Having become a bit too comfortable with each other, we have developed our own language which is comprised of part English, part cave woman grunts, and part made-up words. This language has served us well in communicating with minimal effort and maximum understanding. Care to learn our ways? Here are some basic lessons in the best language ever:
English:
If you don't know it by now, just... go away. Please and thank you.
Usage of Cave Woman Grunts:
1. warning to signal one's presence in a given place
2. expression of unease at human interaction
3. expression of lazy-as-fuck syndrome
4. signal that one doesn't give a fuck
5. show of anger
6. indication that one is dealing with a difficult internal struggle (such as white girl problems, bad hair days, failing at being vegetarians, and frustration at life in general)
List of made-up words/phrases that have proven surprisingly useful:
1. for fuck's sake
2. fuck that shit
3. HPC
4. we say the word fuck.... at lot... just whenever it fits in. you can stop judging now
5.... im too lazy right now to think of other things we say. ask me tomorrow.
and we need a catapult. easier to throw food at people.
and a bucket. so we can lower it out of our window and get shit from people. not drugs... jerseys.
English:
If you don't know it by now, just... go away. Please and thank you.
Usage of Cave Woman Grunts:
1. warning to signal one's presence in a given place
2. expression of unease at human interaction
3. expression of lazy-as-fuck syndrome
4. signal that one doesn't give a fuck
5. show of anger
6. indication that one is dealing with a difficult internal struggle (such as white girl problems, bad hair days, failing at being vegetarians, and frustration at life in general)
List of made-up words/phrases that have proven surprisingly useful:
1. for fuck's sake
2. fuck that shit
3. HPC
4. we say the word fuck.... at lot... just whenever it fits in. you can stop judging now
5.... im too lazy right now to think of other things we say. ask me tomorrow.
and we need a catapult. easier to throw food at people.
and a bucket. so we can lower it out of our window and get shit from people. not drugs... jerseys.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Team Non-Sluts: Now Minority Friendly
WE'RE BACK! Throw your hands up at me. Can I get a "ha-ha-HOLLA!"
Our awesomeness doesn't stop because of Thanksgiving break, so it's no surprise that on the first day back to classes we were in full swing awesomesauce. The morning was kind of a drag, not gonna lie. Whiny Mondays. Gross. But as the day progressed, it increased in awesome exponentially.
To start, we witnessed what some would call the Jay-Z Beef Showdown of 2011. We sat through 40 minutes of poli sci as on any typical Monday, but little did we know that a lecture hall full of tension was upon us. So this girl and guy (who will from this point on be referred to as Lil Wayne Kid and Stripped Shirt Girl) were talking in class and apparently being too loud for Jay-Z's liking. Let us note that Jay-Z is our poli sci professor. Here is the interaction that ensued:
Jay-Z: I hear a lot of mumbling. You two back there, am I boring you? Because I can just leave if I am.
*Silence*
JZ: You there, girl in the stripped shirt, am I boring you?
*Silence*
JZ: This will be on the test. You can go everyone.
*Silence*
JZ: Ok well either I can leave, or you two can leave.
Random kid from the back: LEAVE!
So that was that and the two idiots left. But here's what should have happened:
Jay-Z: I hear a lot of mumbling. You two back there, am I boring you? Because I can just leave if I am.
*Silence*
JZ: You there, girl in the stripped shirt, am I boring you?
*Silence*
Stripped Shirt Girl: Yeah, you are actually. You can leave.
JZ: ........ Excuse me! I'm Jay-Z. I already have a beef with the post office and you do not want to be next. I have Senators on my side! I know my rights, homie!
Lil Wayne Kid: Bitch please!
JZ:You wanna fight, cracker?!
*Insert rap-off*
So in addition to seeing two morons get their asses kicked out of class and witnessing Jay-Z open up a stanky can of whoop-ass, we have also diversified our group acquaintances. Firstly, Liz found out that the frat her sorority is paired with for Greek Week is Alpha Tau Omega. Conveniently enough we know a Swedish kid and a few black kids in the frat. Can you say major diversity points?! Also, we have begun to widen our ginger friend base (we're not entirely sure where we stand on the soul issue). And this is not even to mention the people we already know who are Asian and Jewish. When we discovered this insane amount of branching out, we felt a double high five was in order. And excessive pointing at Wolpers as if the building held the source for all that is good in life. Fuck yes for globalization.
Day One of last three weeks. Check. And with flying colors. Even though we can't manage to stay vegetarian for more than 12 hours.
Our awesomeness doesn't stop because of Thanksgiving break, so it's no surprise that on the first day back to classes we were in full swing awesomesauce. The morning was kind of a drag, not gonna lie. Whiny Mondays. Gross. But as the day progressed, it increased in awesome exponentially.
To start, we witnessed what some would call the Jay-Z Beef Showdown of 2011. We sat through 40 minutes of poli sci as on any typical Monday, but little did we know that a lecture hall full of tension was upon us. So this girl and guy (who will from this point on be referred to as Lil Wayne Kid and Stripped Shirt Girl) were talking in class and apparently being too loud for Jay-Z's liking. Let us note that Jay-Z is our poli sci professor. Here is the interaction that ensued:
Jay-Z: I hear a lot of mumbling. You two back there, am I boring you? Because I can just leave if I am.
*Silence*
JZ: You there, girl in the stripped shirt, am I boring you?
*Silence*
JZ: This will be on the test. You can go everyone.
*Silence*
JZ: Ok well either I can leave, or you two can leave.
Random kid from the back: LEAVE!
So that was that and the two idiots left. But here's what should have happened:
Jay-Z: I hear a lot of mumbling. You two back there, am I boring you? Because I can just leave if I am.
*Silence*
JZ: You there, girl in the stripped shirt, am I boring you?
*Silence*
Stripped Shirt Girl: Yeah, you are actually. You can leave.
JZ: ........ Excuse me! I'm Jay-Z. I already have a beef with the post office and you do not want to be next. I have Senators on my side! I know my rights, homie!
Lil Wayne Kid: Bitch please!
JZ:You wanna fight, cracker?!
*Insert rap-off*
So in addition to seeing two morons get their asses kicked out of class and witnessing Jay-Z open up a stanky can of whoop-ass, we have also diversified our group acquaintances. Firstly, Liz found out that the frat her sorority is paired with for Greek Week is Alpha Tau Omega. Conveniently enough we know a Swedish kid and a few black kids in the frat. Can you say major diversity points?! Also, we have begun to widen our ginger friend base (we're not entirely sure where we stand on the soul issue). And this is not even to mention the people we already know who are Asian and Jewish. When we discovered this insane amount of branching out, we felt a double high five was in order. And excessive pointing at Wolpers as if the building held the source for all that is good in life. Fuck yes for globalization.
Day One of last three weeks. Check. And with flying colors. Even though we can't manage to stay vegetarian for more than 12 hours.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Shit That Happens in Johnston Hall: Week 1
Team Non Sluts has decided to add a new segment to our blog, one that we would like to call Shit That Happens in Johnston Hall. Lets be real here. We live in the weirdest fucking building in the world. And while it may be in the most prime location on campus and our room is larger than a frat boy's ego after his morning slam, there are some downfalls to living in this dorm. One of those is the weird as fuck people we co-inhabitate with. In recent weeks, our neighbors have gotten so fucking weird that they have earned themselves a weekly post in our blog. Kudos to you weirdass people of Johnston Hall, you are now taking up more of my time than my Poli Sci notes.
For the inaugural post of Shit That Happens in Johnston Hall, I would like to start with explaining the character that will hereby be known as The More Butch Girl Next Door. She didn't really bother us until this past Monday night when I was leaving for chapter. I was locking our door you know, being safe and shit, when she decided to look me up and down and say "Wow! You look good today!" Then she proceeded to growl. I proceeded to give a scared "Thanks" and ran away as fast as I could. Yup. I got hit on by our more butch potentially lesbian neighbor. The More Butch Girl Next Door is now the scariest thing I have to encounter when I'm making my way to the shower or just filling up my water bottle. Who knows what she'll say next.
Shit only gets weirder the next night, when Emily was on her way to being the total badass gym rat that she is. The breezeway that we live in is a shady place and is now even shadier now that we've seen an actual, legit totally real drug deal going on. As naive white girls, our minds were blown. Yes, the breezeway of Johnston Hall is a perfect place for a drug deal to go down and yes, we probably should be aware of the other illegal activity that probably goes on down there, but REALLY, we never expected to see it with our own eyes.
It was that same night that we saw the two crazy-ass girls from our FIG class doing cartwheels in the hallway. No fucks given, just another Johnston Hall happening for the week.
Anyways, back to The More Butch Girl Next Door. On Wednesday night she was exiled to the hallway for at least 4 hours for reasons unexplainable to us, but we kind of felt bad for her. Okay not really. THe last major happening of this rather uneventful week in Johnston Hall history was watching a certain Tri-Delt living across the hall come home at 12:30 in the morning as drunk as that ho left alone at Phi Delt on homecoming. From my point of view (and very noticeable attempt to hear what the fuck was going on) this Tri Delt was unable to stand on her own and had no fucking clue how she had made her way back from whatever fratty pit of hell she was in to the sanctuary that is this residence hall. Luckily for her, she had a nice sober friend to scold her for getting hammered on a Wednesday night as well as help her prepare for bed. Unluckily for her, she had a psych exam at 8 the next morning that we are pretty much convinced that she couldn't afford to miss. (We know, we're terrible people for assuming this. But REALLY, from what we've observed in FIG class this girl is as dumb as a post.)
So here's the deal: Johnston Hall is a fucking weird yet entertaining place to live. While they might be semi annoying and time consuming to follow, the freak shows we call neighbors give us great stories to tell later and they add another weekly segment to this kickass blog. We're all for your bizarre behavioral patterns, as long as they are no direct threat to us and you keep it down past 11pm. Thats quiet hours bitch.
Also, to those living in Russia and currently creeping on this blog, expect a weeklong break from Team Non-Sluts. Its Thanksgiving. America!
For the inaugural post of Shit That Happens in Johnston Hall, I would like to start with explaining the character that will hereby be known as The More Butch Girl Next Door. She didn't really bother us until this past Monday night when I was leaving for chapter. I was locking our door you know, being safe and shit, when she decided to look me up and down and say "Wow! You look good today!" Then she proceeded to growl. I proceeded to give a scared "Thanks" and ran away as fast as I could. Yup. I got hit on by our more butch potentially lesbian neighbor. The More Butch Girl Next Door is now the scariest thing I have to encounter when I'm making my way to the shower or just filling up my water bottle. Who knows what she'll say next.
Shit only gets weirder the next night, when Emily was on her way to being the total badass gym rat that she is. The breezeway that we live in is a shady place and is now even shadier now that we've seen an actual, legit totally real drug deal going on. As naive white girls, our minds were blown. Yes, the breezeway of Johnston Hall is a perfect place for a drug deal to go down and yes, we probably should be aware of the other illegal activity that probably goes on down there, but REALLY, we never expected to see it with our own eyes.
It was that same night that we saw the two crazy-ass girls from our FIG class doing cartwheels in the hallway. No fucks given, just another Johnston Hall happening for the week.
Anyways, back to The More Butch Girl Next Door. On Wednesday night she was exiled to the hallway for at least 4 hours for reasons unexplainable to us, but we kind of felt bad for her. Okay not really. THe last major happening of this rather uneventful week in Johnston Hall history was watching a certain Tri-Delt living across the hall come home at 12:30 in the morning as drunk as that ho left alone at Phi Delt on homecoming. From my point of view (and very noticeable attempt to hear what the fuck was going on) this Tri Delt was unable to stand on her own and had no fucking clue how she had made her way back from whatever fratty pit of hell she was in to the sanctuary that is this residence hall. Luckily for her, she had a nice sober friend to scold her for getting hammered on a Wednesday night as well as help her prepare for bed. Unluckily for her, she had a psych exam at 8 the next morning that we are pretty much convinced that she couldn't afford to miss. (We know, we're terrible people for assuming this. But REALLY, from what we've observed in FIG class this girl is as dumb as a post.)
So here's the deal: Johnston Hall is a fucking weird yet entertaining place to live. While they might be semi annoying and time consuming to follow, the freak shows we call neighbors give us great stories to tell later and they add another weekly segment to this kickass blog. We're all for your bizarre behavioral patterns, as long as they are no direct threat to us and you keep it down past 11pm. Thats quiet hours bitch.
Also, to those living in Russia and currently creeping on this blog, expect a weeklong break from Team Non-Sluts. Its Thanksgiving. America!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Hilary Duff "Why Not" Initiative of 2011
Here in Room 162 we find joy in getting shit done. One of the main items on our get shit done list is to get in shape. So we've regularly been hitting up the gym and have been setting up food boundaries for ourselves (like not eating past 9:30 at night and the like). All things that respectable health-conscious folk do. But tonight we thought to ourselves "let's kick this shit up a notch". So here's the deal.
You are now reading from two vegetarians. Well pescatarians if you're going to get picky, because we're still going to eat fish. So here goes.
The Hilary Duff "Why Not" Initiative of 2011
Section 1. The week of 11/14/11 is the trial week of vegetarianism. BOOM.
Section 2. Thanksgiving Break. Fuck this shit we're eating turkey.
Section 3. Become full-time vegetarians. Do that shit.
Corollary: Things We Can Eat
--not bacon :(
--peanuts, almonds, anything of the nut variety ;)
--yogurt. yay dairy!
--protein rich cereal (shouldn't be difficult. we <3 cereal)
--eggs. omelets.
--naners
--green beans/lima beans
--spinach
--whole grains
--lots o' peanut butter
You are now reading from two vegetarians. Well pescatarians if you're going to get picky, because we're still going to eat fish. So here goes.
The Hilary Duff "Why Not" Initiative of 2011
Section 1. The week of 11/14/11 is the trial week of vegetarianism. BOOM.
Section 2. Thanksgiving Break. Fuck this shit we're eating turkey.
Section 3. Become full-time vegetarians. Do that shit.
Corollary: Things We Can Eat
--not bacon :(
--peanuts, almonds, anything of the nut variety ;)
--yogurt. yay dairy!
--protein rich cereal (shouldn't be difficult. we <3 cereal)
--eggs. omelets.
--naners
--green beans/lima beans
--spinach
--whole grains
--lots o' peanut butter
Hey Napoleon, gimme some of your tots.
Tonight was a special night. It was Tots Night at Plaza. Fuck yes. Tots... the best way to prepare a potato. The creme de la creme of all things starchy. Crispy tater nuggets of pure fatty joy. #obesity Tonight was a special night for another reason: Glee. So after discovering tots on the menu at Plaza, we decided to eat like madwomen to make the 7pm airtime. After making asses of ourselves by feasting on a mountain of tots, we realized that we had three minutes until 7pm. So what were we supposed to do? You guessed it, run back to our dorm. Not only did we make asses of ourselves for the second time in approximately ten minutes, but we discovered that physical exercise after tots of that magnitude is not a good idea. We reached our dorm out of breath and panting like idiots but when we finally flipped on the tube, we found we had made it just in time to catch the "previously on". Go us. A word to the wise: tots + exercise = death. Don't do that shit.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Why the eff are we so photogenic?
So we have a problem. A serious white girl problem. We are way too freakin photogenic. Red hot, spicy, goddamn-look-at-that-girl, sex-on-a-stick, do-me-now-please photogenic. And admittedly, this quality is multifaceted. On one hand we sometimes cannot handle our awesomeness and our bodies shut down from overexposure to our own awesomeness. But on the other hand, it has gotten us into some pretty good times. Let us now recall last night.
Semi-formal. An event in which a girl in a sorority typically invites a boy to accompany her to a large room in which there are colored lights, loud music, and a water station. In said room, people are expected to mingle and move awkwardly to previously mentioned music in the hopes of enjoying oneself and in special situations seducing the opposite sex.
And this is where we come in. Emily and Liz version:
Semi-formal. An event in which a girl in a sorority (Liz) invites her roommate (Emily) to accompany her to a country club in which there is a lame ass dance party and cones for cups. Fuck mingling and fuck moving awkwardly, we dance our fucking asses off and request songs like nobody's business (Baby Got Back, 99 Problems, and Yeah! to name a few). By the end of the evening (or by the time we left), we basically owned that place. First off, we had followers. Being some of the first people there, we started off the dance party right and displayed our kickass moves in the front and center of the dance floor. Not only did we have followers within minutes, but they traveled with us like fucking groupies. We moved to a new location, and they followed. Secondly, the DJ had a nickname for us ("Dancing Girls"... duh). And on one special occasion (when he played 99 Problems) he came up and video taped us rapping the shit outta that song. Finally, we kicked up our street cred. The black kids in the room definitely took note of our intense rapping skills and when it was the two of us and them enjoying some straight-up-legit songs, you know its real.
What have we learned from all of this?
We now need to start our own DJ-ing business. Ideas for the name for the company are still in the works (some ideas are Moxie Turnpike or Cederic Diggory's Left Nipple) but the basis for this idea is solid.
1. We like to have a good time.
2. We have awesome taste in music.
3. We have sweet as fuck dance moves.
4. We know what music people want to listen to when they're wasted out of their mind.
5. We make the best playlists ever.
6. We're basically the coolest people you'll ever meet.
So keep your ears peeled for a hot new DJ company with two crazy chicks playing music in central MO. Shit's getting real.
Semi-formal was so much of a success. Boys are stupid, so thank god they weren't around to mess up our awesome evening (no offense but we hate to babysit you kids). The power of the bifecta prevails once again!
Semi-formal. An event in which a girl in a sorority typically invites a boy to accompany her to a large room in which there are colored lights, loud music, and a water station. In said room, people are expected to mingle and move awkwardly to previously mentioned music in the hopes of enjoying oneself and in special situations seducing the opposite sex.
And this is where we come in. Emily and Liz version:
Semi-formal. An event in which a girl in a sorority (Liz) invites her roommate (Emily) to accompany her to a country club in which there is a lame ass dance party and cones for cups. Fuck mingling and fuck moving awkwardly, we dance our fucking asses off and request songs like nobody's business (Baby Got Back, 99 Problems, and Yeah! to name a few). By the end of the evening (or by the time we left), we basically owned that place. First off, we had followers. Being some of the first people there, we started off the dance party right and displayed our kickass moves in the front and center of the dance floor. Not only did we have followers within minutes, but they traveled with us like fucking groupies. We moved to a new location, and they followed. Secondly, the DJ had a nickname for us ("Dancing Girls"... duh). And on one special occasion (when he played 99 Problems) he came up and video taped us rapping the shit outta that song. Finally, we kicked up our street cred. The black kids in the room definitely took note of our intense rapping skills and when it was the two of us and them enjoying some straight-up-legit songs, you know its real.
What have we learned from all of this?
We now need to start our own DJ-ing business. Ideas for the name for the company are still in the works (some ideas are Moxie Turnpike or Cederic Diggory's Left Nipple) but the basis for this idea is solid.
1. We like to have a good time.
2. We have awesome taste in music.
3. We have sweet as fuck dance moves.
4. We know what music people want to listen to when they're wasted out of their mind.
5. We make the best playlists ever.
6. We're basically the coolest people you'll ever meet.
So keep your ears peeled for a hot new DJ company with two crazy chicks playing music in central MO. Shit's getting real.
Semi-formal was so much of a success. Boys are stupid, so thank god they weren't around to mess up our awesome evening (no offense but we hate to babysit you kids). The power of the bifecta prevails once again!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Cross-Dressing
Girl wearing her date's dress shoes home. He is left in his socks. Poor life choices.
Friday, November 11, 2011
It's time for this weeks segment of REALLY!?!?!?! with Liz and Emily.
It started out like any other Thursday night here in 162 Johnston Hall. We were standing in random positions around the room talking with Melissa about what I'm going to do when I turn 18, (Probably buying porn for the hell of it and registering to vote. Its the American way) and other randomosities of our more awesome than average lives. After discussing Marky Mark and his funky bunch, we decided that it was the appropriate time for Emily and Melissa to meet the infamous Harry Potter Chris, a kid who is friends with my Jewish friend Lee, who just happened to be coming our way. Naturally, we opened up our alley facing windows and yelled out in to the breezeway, and had a delightful conversation with Lee and HPC.
Afterward, we went back to our usual pointless girl talk when we heard a mysterious knock at our door. Naturally, I ran to hide my illegal lamp, while Emily opened to the door to a mousy looking RA telling us to keep it down. Yeah, that's right. She told us to keep it down.
Really. REALLY. You're going to tell US of all people to keep it down? Our neighbors, when they aren't fighting are being loud in other forms, they are blasting music at all hours of the day. In case you didn't notice courtesy hours are in effect 24 fucking hours a day, and while we may have been a tad disruptive a whole 20 minutes after quite hours commenced at 11, we are nowhere near the level of loud as our dear neighbors. We are white girls, we aren't loud and we aren't disruptive. And on the off chance that we are actually are loud and disruptive, it is never loud enough to call an RA over. So yeah to whomever felt it necessary to call us in, you're being a douche. Really?! We were talking about Marky Mark and $15 dresses and becoming prostitutes as a means of paying for law school for crying out loud! We weren't over here smoking weed or blasting screamo music! I mean really?! Could you not have just knocked on our door yourself and been like "hey i know it's only 11:30 but we have class kind of early in the morning and would you mind just quieting down a little?"... i mean seriously, have some decency! Really?! You're going to get an RA involved because of some mildly disruptive conversing? You hypocrites. Next time you even play any form of music so that I can hear it through the walls or have a fucking bitch fight in the hallway, expect a fucking visit from the RA. If you want to play this game, by all means. It's on.
And don't expect us to get rid of our lamp anytime soon. The lamp is kickass and it stays.
Afterward, we went back to our usual pointless girl talk when we heard a mysterious knock at our door. Naturally, I ran to hide my illegal lamp, while Emily opened to the door to a mousy looking RA telling us to keep it down. Yeah, that's right. She told us to keep it down.
Really. REALLY. You're going to tell US of all people to keep it down? Our neighbors, when they aren't fighting are being loud in other forms, they are blasting music at all hours of the day. In case you didn't notice courtesy hours are in effect 24 fucking hours a day, and while we may have been a tad disruptive a whole 20 minutes after quite hours commenced at 11, we are nowhere near the level of loud as our dear neighbors. We are white girls, we aren't loud and we aren't disruptive. And on the off chance that we are actually are loud and disruptive, it is never loud enough to call an RA over. So yeah to whomever felt it necessary to call us in, you're being a douche. Really?! We were talking about Marky Mark and $15 dresses and becoming prostitutes as a means of paying for law school for crying out loud! We weren't over here smoking weed or blasting screamo music! I mean really?! Could you not have just knocked on our door yourself and been like "hey i know it's only 11:30 but we have class kind of early in the morning and would you mind just quieting down a little?"... i mean seriously, have some decency! Really?! You're going to get an RA involved because of some mildly disruptive conversing? You hypocrites. Next time you even play any form of music so that I can hear it through the walls or have a fucking bitch fight in the hallway, expect a fucking visit from the RA. If you want to play this game, by all means. It's on.
And don't expect us to get rid of our lamp anytime soon. The lamp is kickass and it stays.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
We Commend You, Cereal Man
Hats off to this ambitious fellow who was either really hungry or really wanted to steal cereal. Either way, he enjoys cereal and for that, we salute him. We saw him carry a grand total of six bowls of cereal back to his place. Well done, sir. You are more than welcome to be our friend.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Listen Up Boys: Best Date Idea Ever!
Let's begin by reviewing our unhealthy obsession with The Millionaire Matchmaker. Patti is God when it comes to fixing up douchey rich kids with trashy hoes. So basically, she's our idol. Not only does she tell it like it is, she is an advocate for people everywhere who don't give fucks, like us. She is awesomesauce. Patti's balls are ten times the size of any frat boy out there and what she says goes. She makes us want to be better at giving zero fucks.Which leads us to this conclusion: We are now taking on the role of matchmaker/fixer-uper/advice-giver for all of you people reading this blog. It's hard to find normal people out there, but once you do, you don't want to fuck it up by being THAT guy/girl. We all know who those people are. And you don't want that to be you. Judging.
Secondly, let us remind ourselves that it is rare to have an enjoyable first date. Shit gets awkward way too fast. SO - here is some advice to all the guys out there to help you not fuck it up. We're rooting for you here, but if you're adament about being THAT guy... there's not much we can do. But for all of you other guys out there wanting to score big, here's what we suggest.
Best Date Ever:
1. Attend a sporting event. Basketball, football, and baseball are some suggestions. Particularly a game that you don't especially care about. None of that post-season shit. And here's why: a date is supposed to be interactive. Duh. You need to talk to the girl, but if you're too wrapped up in the game, she'll think you're ignoring her. Also, sporting events are perfect because while you are still attending a fun event and can be engaged in what is happening on the court/field, you still have ample opportunity to talk to your girl. It's perfect. If there is a lull in conversation you can take part in cheering on your team. It helps if you sit in a section where there are lots of people cheering (the student section for example). But you are still on a date, so you are expected to be engaged in the girl.
2. After the game, go grab some food/ice cream. You will be hungry (especially if you're like me and won't waste your money on expensive-as-fuck stadium food). Go to a really low-key restaurant or even a sports bar and just chill and talk. It's fucking perfect.
I would love it if a guy suggested this for a date. It's fun and laid-back. It will take some of that first date pressure away and it will just be a whole lot better for both of you. But seriously, do this shit.
Secondly, let us remind ourselves that it is rare to have an enjoyable first date. Shit gets awkward way too fast. SO - here is some advice to all the guys out there to help you not fuck it up. We're rooting for you here, but if you're adament about being THAT guy... there's not much we can do. But for all of you other guys out there wanting to score big, here's what we suggest.
Best Date Ever:
1. Attend a sporting event. Basketball, football, and baseball are some suggestions. Particularly a game that you don't especially care about. None of that post-season shit. And here's why: a date is supposed to be interactive. Duh. You need to talk to the girl, but if you're too wrapped up in the game, she'll think you're ignoring her. Also, sporting events are perfect because while you are still attending a fun event and can be engaged in what is happening on the court/field, you still have ample opportunity to talk to your girl. It's perfect. If there is a lull in conversation you can take part in cheering on your team. It helps if you sit in a section where there are lots of people cheering (the student section for example). But you are still on a date, so you are expected to be engaged in the girl.
2. After the game, go grab some food/ice cream. You will be hungry (especially if you're like me and won't waste your money on expensive-as-fuck stadium food). Go to a really low-key restaurant or even a sports bar and just chill and talk. It's fucking perfect.
I would love it if a guy suggested this for a date. It's fun and laid-back. It will take some of that first date pressure away and it will just be a whole lot better for both of you. But seriously, do this shit.
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